Saturday, March 31, 2007

30 second Judo Lesson

Now pay attention...

More from the snake (would someone just bonk the snake's head, please!)

The wind is whispering that the snake is at it again, trying to find more idiots.

I knew it was just a matter of time. After all, it was over two years ago that I warned of the snake,

The Snake is evil, conniving, and he thinks that things in "his world" always work out for him. In "his world" he can take what is not his, ruin people, behave like an animal (which is what he is, after all), and after saying a few words, shedding a few snake tears, and waiting for a short period of time, everything is just supposed to blow over.

But it's still quite disturbing to think that more souls are hazarding themselves, and that the snake is so willing to hazard them too. Disturbing, but not surprising. A snake might swallow something many times its own size, because it has such a big mouth.

After feeding, the snake doesn't need to eat for a while. But eventually it goes out slithering around looking for another victim. If only Rikki Tikki Tavi were around!

Tuesday, March 27, 2007

You will please address me by my proper title...

My Peculiar Aristocratic Title is:
His Exalted Highness Duke Gerald the Malleable of Hoptonshire by Leer
Get your Peculiar Aristocratic Title

Monday, March 26, 2007

Flammable is to Inflammable; as Duh is to No Duh.

From the "1+1 equals, oh yeah... TWO!" files come this brilliance:

Over the past couple days I'm wondering what is happening to my neon tetras. One day, there's ten. Then there's only nine. Then eight. Seven. Okay, now I only see five. What gives? No dead body's floating in the water. Hmm... a mystery.

Today I noticed that my Pictus is looking quite pudgy. This evening, he looks down right bloated.

Wow! What's going on with my tank. First my neons are disappearing, now my pictus has some "fat disease."

Then the light bulb went on, shining right on the grim reality of what's going on in my tank...

During evening worship, it looks like two more tetras "disappeared" (and the big fat pictus just sits there grinning).


Friday, March 23, 2007

The Cops at My House

A friend called us last night at about 10:30 pm. We usually don't get calls that late, but it was an old friend with a strange question, so that's how this all started.

While my wife's talking on the phone, little Gideon somehow gets his hands on the other phone, and is pretending to talk on the phone like his mommy. My wife hangs up, and then takes the phone from Gideon, who starts crying and screaming because mommy took the phone away from him.

The phone rings again, and I, thinking that it's our old friend again with another strange question, answer the phone with a really silly high pitched "HELLO!" Here's how the following conversation went:

Me: Hello!

911 Distpatch: This is 911 Distpatch. What's the problem?

Me: Huh? Someone called 911? I'm sorry, my baby must have dialed it. He was playing with the phone.

911: I heard screaming in the background. What's the problem?

Me: There is no problem. Like I said, my baby was playing with the phone, and he must have dialed 911 randomly. I'm sorry.

911: What was the screaming all about?

Me: The baby. The baby had the phone. Baby.

911: Well, you're going to have to explain it to the officer. I sent the police to your address.

Me: Thanks! (click). RACHEL, THE POLICE ARE COMING OVER! Fix your hair up, because they're going to think I was beating you.

So I'm standing on my porch, stuffing tobacco in my pipe, and I can see the lights flashing from two blocks away. Two police cars pull up in front of my house as I'm lighting my pipe.

Me: Hi.

Cop: Is everything alright?

Me: Yep, the baby had the phone and must have called 911.

Cop: Can I come inside just to make sure everything is alright?

Now, at this point I'm thinking "No. Come back with a warrant," but then I thought, "Jerry, you're innocent, so act innocent."

Me: "Sure, come on in."

Cop: Hi ma'am. Is everything all right in here?

Rachel: "Yes, the baby was playing with the phone and must have called 911."

Cop: What was all the screaming about?

Rachel: I took the phone from him, and he screamed because I took it from him.

Cop: How many kids do you have?

Now, at this point I'm thinking "I don't have to answer that. We told you what happened now be about your way, please." But then I said to myself, "Jerry, you're innocent, just act like you're innocent."

Me: Seven.

Cop: Seven! God bless you!

Me: Thank you.

Cop: Are they all in bed?

Me: Yes.

Cop: Do you mind if I just check them to make sure everything's ok?

(Jerry, you're innocent, just act like you're innocent)

Me: Yeah, sure.

The silent cop stayed downstairs, I guess to keep the peace or something, while I gave the big officer who did all the talking a tour of the house, and we dropped in on all the kids, who got to say hi to the nice police officer who was just making sure we're all safe.

You know what though... none of us really felt safe. I was innocent, and I acted like I was innocent, but it sure was creepy having two cops looking at me like I did something terrible, and checking out my house like I'm hiding something.

I'm glad he didn't ask to look in my closet.

Thursday, March 22, 2007

Non-binding poll

Should Jerry enter the big karate tournament coming up on April 14th?
No, you are too old, fat, and slow to win anything. Even girls and old people can whoop you.
No, you have far better things to do with your time.
Yeah, give it a shot. Maybe you'll suprise yourself and do OK.
Definately, it is very important for you to challenge yourself.
Huh? Look, I don't know. I'm not even sure what you're talking about, so why are you asking me? free polls

Sunday, March 18, 2007

For those doubting their regeneration -- Case 8.

Case 8. "The AFFLICTIONS I meet with are strange and unusual. I doubt if ever a child of God was tried with such dispensations of providence as I am."

Answer. Much of what was said on the preceding case, may be helpful in this. Holy Job was assaulted with this temptation, Job 5:1, "To which of the saints will you turn?" But he rejected it, and held fast his integrity. The apostle supposes that Christians may be tempted to "think it strange concerning the fiery trial," 1 Pet. 4:12. But they have need of larger experience than Solomon's, who will venture to say, "See this is new," Eccl. 1:10. What though, in respect of the outward dispensations of providence, "it happen to you according to the work of the wicked?" yet you may be just notwithstanding; according to Solomon's observation, Eccl. 8:14. Sometimes we travel in ways where we can neither perceive the prints of the foot of man or beast; yet we cannot from thence conclude that there was never any there before us: so, though you can not perceive the footsteps of the flock, in the way of your affliction, you must not therefore conclude that you are the first that ever traveled that road.

But what if it were so? Some one saint or other must be first, in drinking of each bitter cup the rest have drunk of. What warrant have you or I to limit the Holy One of Israel to one trodden path, in his dispensations towards us? "Your way is in the sea, and your path in the great waters; and your footsteps are not known," Psalm 77:19. If the Lord should carry you to heaven by some retired road, so to speak, you would have no ground of complaint. Learn to allow sovereignty a latitude; be at your duty; and let no affliction cast a veil over any evidences you otherwise have for your being in the state of grace: for "no man knows either love or hatred by all that is before him," Eccl. 9:1.

--Thomas Boston, from Human Nature in Its Fourfold State.

(This concludes this series of posts).

Saturday, March 17, 2007


Anyone else remember Really Rosie and Chicken Soup? Here's a clip I found of Pierre, the boy who didn't care, as told in song by the haunting voice of Carol King:

Thursday, March 15, 2007

Family pushups

Last night we did family pushups -- kids, wife, everybody but the cat. It was fun, and here's how you can do them too, in a way that you do not wear yourself out, but still do way more pushups than you think you can.

I've been playing with Pavel's Ladder, a way to accomplish Synaptic Facilitation, also called the "grease the groove" method, credited to Pavel "the evil Russian" Tsatsouline. The goal is to do high volume pushups without approaching failure. Here's how we did Pavel's ladder as a family:

I did one pushup, and stood up. Everyone else dropped and did one pushup to match me. Then I dropped and did two (one, two), again everyone matches my two pushups. I did three (one, two, three), everyone did three. I did four, everyone did four. I did five, everyone did five. When someone says, "I'm done" or "I don't think I can do the next set," we all drop back to one, then two, then three, etc.

We did this as a family three times back to back to back -- completing two ladders of 5, and one ladder of 4, meaning that we all did 40 pushups within a few minutes!

I myself have done almost 800 pushups since Saturday (not including the pushups done in Karate class), by doing Pavel's ladder every other day.

Try Pavel's Ladder, and grease the groove baby!

Sunday, March 11, 2007

For those doubting their regeneration -- Case 7.

Case 7. "I never read in the word of God, nor did I ever know of a child of God, so TEMPTED, and so left of God, as I am; and therefore, no saint's case being like mine, I can only conclude that I am none of their number.

Answer. This objection arises to some from their ignorance of the Scriptures, and the experience of Christians. It is profitable, in this case, to impart the matter to some experienced Christian friend, or to some godly minister. This has been a blessed means of peace to some people; while their case, which appeared to them to be singular, has been proved to have been the case of other saints. The Scriptures give instances of very horrid temptations, wherewith the saints have been assaulted. Job was tempted to blaspheme; this was the great thing the devil aimed at in the case of that great saint, Job 1:11, "He will curse you to your face." Chap. 2:9, "Curse God and die." Asaph was tempted to think it was in vain to be pious, which was in effect to throw off all religion, Psalm 73:13, "Verily I have cleansed my heart in vain." Yes, Christ himself was tempted to "cast himself down from a pinnacle of the temple," and to "worship the devil," Matt. 4:6-9. And many of the children of God have not only been attacked with—but have actually yielded to very gross temptation for a time. Peter denied Christ, and cursed and swore that he knew him not, Mark 14:71. Paul, when a persecutor, compelled even saints to blaspheme, Acts 26:10, 11.

Many of the saints can, from their sad experience, bear witness to very gross temptations, which have astonished their spirits, made their very flesh to tremble, and sickened their bodies. Satan's fiery darts make terrible work; and will cost some pains to quench them, by a vigorous managing of the shield of faith, Eph. 6:16. Sometimes he makes such desperate attacks, that never was one more put to it, in running to and fro; without intermission, to quench the fire-balls incessantly thrown into his house by an enemy, designing to burn the house about him, than the poor tempted saint is, to repel Satanical injections. But these injections, these horrid temptations, though they are a dreadful affliction, they are not the sins of the tempted, unless they make them theirs by consenting to them. They will be charged upon the tempter alone, if they be not consented to; and will no more be laid to the charge of the tempted party, than a [illegitimate child]'s being laid down at a chaste man's door will fix guilt upon him.

But suppose neither minister nor private Christian, to whom you go, can tell you of any who has been in your case; yet you ought not thence to infer that your case is singular, far less to give up hope: for it is not to be thought, that every godly minister, or private Christian, has had experience of all the cases which a child of God may be in. We need not doubt that some have had distresses known only to God and their own consciences; and so to others these distresses are as if they had never been. Yes, and though the Scriptures contain suitable directions for every case which a child of God can be in, and these illustrated with a sufficient number of examples; yet it is not to be imagined that there are in the Scriptures perfect instances of every particular case incident to the saints. Therefore, though you cannot find an instance of your case in the Scripture—yet bring your case to it, and you shall find suitable remedies prescribed there for it.

Study rather to make use of Christ for your case, who has a remedy for all diseases, than to know if ever any was in your case. Though one should show you an instance of your case, in an undoubted saint; yet none could promise that it would certainly give you ease: for a scrupulous conscience would readily find out some difference. And if nothing but a perfect conformity of another's case to yours will satisfy, it will be hard, if not impossible, to satisfy you; for it is with people's cases, as with their natural faces: though the faces of all men are of one make, and some are so very like others, that, at first view, we are ready to take them for the same; yet if you view them more accurately, you will see something in every face, distinguishing it from all others; though possibly you cannot tell what it is. Therefore I conclude, that if you can find in yourselves the marks of regeneration, proposed to you from the word, you ought to conclude you are in the state of grace, though your case were singular, which is indeed unlikely.
--Thomas Boston, from Human Nature in Its Fourfold State.

Thursday, March 08, 2007

Book Finds!

Google has this relatively new Book Search feature, which allows you to find books online. I was playing around with it and found a good one I wanted to share:

Thomas Ridgley's Body of Divinity (Commentary on the Larger Catechism). You can even download the whole thing in a PDF file!

So, here's your assignment. What cool books can you find and recommend to me?

Sunday, March 04, 2007

For those doubting their regeneration -- Case 6.

Case 6. "I see myself fall so far short of the saints mentioned in the Scriptures, and of several excellent people of my own acquaintance, that, when I look on them, I can hardly look on myself as one of the same family with them."

Answer. It is, indeed, matter of humiliation, that we do not get forward to that measure of grace and holiness which we see is attainable in this life. This should make us more vigorously press towards the mark: but surely it is from the devil, that weak Christians make a rack for themselves, of the attainments of the strong. To yield to the temptation, is as unreasonable as for a child to dispute away his relation to his father, because he is not of the same stature with his elder brethren. There are saints of several sizes in Christ's family; some fathers, some young men, and some little children, 1 John 2:13, 14.

--Thomas Boston, from Human Nature in Its Fourfold State.

Thursday, March 01, 2007

Tell me about it...

"I don't want my heart to get broken, so I'm taking it somewhere else." -- Elisabeth.