The Cops at My House

A friend called us last night at about 10:30 pm. We usually don't get calls that late, but it was an old friend with a strange question, so that's how this all started.

While my wife's talking on the phone, little Gideon somehow gets his hands on the other phone, and is pretending to talk on the phone like his mommy. My wife hangs up, and then takes the phone from Gideon, who starts crying and screaming because mommy took the phone away from him.

The phone rings again, and I, thinking that it's our old friend again with another strange question, answer the phone with a really silly high pitched "HELLO!" Here's how the following conversation went:

Me: Hello!

911 Distpatch: This is 911 Distpatch. What's the problem?

Me: Huh? Someone called 911? I'm sorry, my baby must have dialed it. He was playing with the phone.

911: I heard screaming in the background. What's the problem?

Me: There is no problem. Like I said, my baby was playing with the phone, and he must have dialed 911 randomly. I'm sorry.

911: What was the screaming all about?

Me: The baby. The baby had the phone. Baby.

911: Well, you're going to have to explain it to the officer. I sent the police to your address.

Me: Thanks! (click). RACHEL, THE POLICE ARE COMING OVER! Fix your hair up, because they're going to think I was beating you.

So I'm standing on my porch, stuffing tobacco in my pipe, and I can see the lights flashing from two blocks away. Two police cars pull up in front of my house as I'm lighting my pipe.

Me: Hi.

Cop: Is everything alright?

Me: Yep, the baby had the phone and must have called 911.

Cop: Can I come inside just to make sure everything is alright?

Now, at this point I'm thinking "No. Come back with a warrant," but then I thought, "Jerry, you're innocent, so act innocent."

Me: "Sure, come on in."

Cop: Hi ma'am. Is everything all right in here?

Rachel: "Yes, the baby was playing with the phone and must have called 911."

Cop: What was all the screaming about?

Rachel: I took the phone from him, and he screamed because I took it from him.

Cop: How many kids do you have?

Now, at this point I'm thinking "I don't have to answer that. We told you what happened now be about your way, please." But then I said to myself, "Jerry, you're innocent, just act like you're innocent."

Me: Seven.

Cop: Seven! God bless you!

Me: Thank you.

Cop: Are they all in bed?

Me: Yes.

Cop: Do you mind if I just check them to make sure everything's ok?

(Jerry, you're innocent, just act like you're innocent)

Me: Yeah, sure.

The silent cop stayed downstairs, I guess to keep the peace or something, while I gave the big officer who did all the talking a tour of the house, and we dropped in on all the kids, who got to say hi to the nice police officer who was just making sure we're all safe.

You know what though... none of us really felt safe. I was innocent, and I acted like I was innocent, but it sure was creepy having two cops looking at me like I did something terrible, and checking out my house like I'm hiding something.

I'm glad he didn't ask to look in my closet.