Users and Abusers

Disclaimer: If you think this post is about you, GOOD! maybe you have some issues to work through. But the fact is, the people I primarily have in mind, to the best of my knowledge, are not likely reading this blog.

I’ve had contact with more than a few users and abusers in my life. Sadly and regretfully, I have even behaved like one towards others in the past. Some of the users and abusers are from within my own family, others were supposedly friends, and some were essentially strangers. Users and abusers, it seems to me, have one goal in mind, and that is self-gratification. That drive for self-gratification can take different forms – some drown themselves in drunkenness, some are sexually deviant and/or abusive, some are physically violent, some verbally attack, berate and belittle, while others may be more subtle in their worship of self, seeming only to seek comfort for themselves (at the expense of all others).

Users and abusers have a way of simultaneously being sorry for, and yet defensive of, their behaviors. They will say sorry, while continuing the behavior they’re supposedly sorry for. They will say sorry, while defending their right to behave that way. They will say sorry while telling you it is not their fault. They will say sorry, while telling you it’s YOUR fault. Do you know why their apologies end up being apologetics? It’s because they are not saying sorry because they are sorry. They are saying sorry because the situation they are in is causing them greater discomfort, in conscience as well as in their relations with others, and saying sorry is an attempt to relieve that discomfort (remember, they’re only seeking self-gratification). The “sorry” then, is no true “sorry.” They are not truly sorry for their behavior, or they would stop. They are not truly sorry for their abusive words, or the words would cease. They are not truly sorry, because their saying sorry is not about the person who was hurt at all, it’s only about relieving their own discomfort.

After saying their quick and dirty “sorry,” users and abusers demand immediate forgiveness. Any attempt to stay away from, lessen the contact with, keep yourself save from, users and abusers, is seen as cold cruelty, lack of forgiveness, something less than Christianity. No matter that the “sorry” is not a true sorry, and that the using and abusive behavior has not stopped, the user and abuser is not concerned with that at all. The user and abuser only wants you to relieve their conscience QUICKLY, and ultimately, to make yourself available for more use and abuse.

Users and abusers have an incredible way of making the root of the problem to be found in the used and abused, rather than in themselves. Rapists say the victim wanted it, wife-beaters say the wife had it coming, drunks are driven to drink. They might have a problem, they might be “sick,” but the true root of the problem lies in the used and abused. Those being used and abused are viewed with contempt, as objects somehow deserving of ill-treatment, and sadly, the used and abused are often convinced of the same. There is nothing more pathetic than an abused person who has been convinced that they deserve it.

There is a rule with users and abusers. The rule is, users and abusers are permitted to behave in any way they so choose, but you may never ever speak against it, act against it, or allow the natural consequences to occur. I'll explain. A drunk expects to be able to drink, no questions asked. If you ask, "Have you been drinking?", you will likely hear a lie ("No, I'm not drinking") or a curse ("Go to Hell! I'll do what I want!"). No speaking against it. No acting against it either. No pouring the booze down the drain, no leaving the area, no anything, just sit there and take it. And finally, no allowing natural consequences to occur. Suppose the drunk is now in jail after wrecking the car. If you let the drunk sit in jail, you broke the rule. If you refuse to pick them up after they're released, you broke the rule. If you refuse to even be around them until they stop their behavior, you broke the rule.

That's it! That's the game. Users and abusers win every time, because they made up the game and its rules, and they try to force us to play.

I'm not playing anymore. My coat and my cloak are gone. Both cheeks have been slapped. I've walked twain, and I don't expect to ever get back that which was borrowed. "Pray for them which despitefully use you" -- God, give me the grace.