Atkins this, low carb that...

I'm fed up with low carbs. I mean, I'm actually fed up with plenty of carbs, cuz carbs = sugar = yummy = Eat stuff. Eat bread, eat dead animals, eat leaves. Just eat stuff. Eat the stuff God gave you to eat, and thank Him for it and seek His blessing of it. Also, get off your tush and do something.

Here's the latest on Atkins:

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Atkins 'may cut chances of pregnancy'

RHIANNON EDWARD


Key points
• Research finds too much protein inhibits conception chances in mouse trial
• Less than 20% protein intake recommended for women to conceive
• Atkins Diet representative rejects the findings

Key quote
"The study subjects were mice, which are herbivores. Whether or not these findings or effects would apply to humans, who are omnivores, is unknown" - Dr Stuart Trager, medical director of Atkins Nutritionals Inc
---

Did you catch that? ATKINS IS BIRTH CONTROL! Ahh!!!

Other people's kids

I know my kids aren't perfect... I won't name names, and I'll leave it at that. But if one more loud, obnoxious, Ritalin-addicted neighborhood kid makes my yard their hangout, someone's getting smacked. Alright, it's one kid in particular that is irksome to me and my wife, but it seems that our house has become the hangout for all the kids in the neighborhood... probably because most of the kids in the neighborhood live in my house to begin with. It's like running a public pool and snack shop or something... except WHERE'S MY MONEY? One kid gets dropped off as if we're baby sitting or something. The dad walks up to the door with the brat, um, with the little girl, and asks she can play with my kids. We say "they're out back in the yard," and the dad releases the kid and disappears for hours. Once I about fell off my chair when another kid cursed in reference to little Elisabeth. GRRR... LOOK PUDGE, WE DON'T TALK LIKE THAT IN THIS HOUSE, SO TAKE YOUR NASTY MOUTH BACK HOME WHERE YOUR MOM OR WHOEVER IT IS THAT YOU LIVE WITH CAN WASH IT OUT WITH... ah, nevermind. If you were disciplined there wouldn't be these problems. Just go home... NOW. "Hey, can I have a freezer pop?" And who's kid are you? No, you may not have a freezer pop, I'm feeding enough mouths without feeding yours. What to do. I want the kids to have friends, and I sure as all get out don't want my kids hanging out in other people's houses and yards, at least not from the current list of potentials.

What to do, what to do...

How Jerry Got Fat at Work

The lady walks in the office and says, "I got donuts." I say, "Hello, beautiful," (talking to the donuts). Co-worker Ruppert says, "Mmm... donuts." I say, "Nah uh! Ain't nobody ever gonna steal my Jellyroll!" So I ate the donuts. Did you catch that? I ate the donuts! Don't ask how many, no point in counting. I ate them is all you need to know. Powdered sugar all over my desk, on my pants, on the floor under my desk. That's when it hit me... these donuts need coffee! So up to the cafe to get the cafee. Back to the donuts. Mmm... donuts.

Donuts, donuts, donuts.

And that's how I got fat today.

To blog or not to blog....

I'm not sure what to blog about today, but I feel like I should write something. Hmm... let's see....

Family worship today was very interesting... Isaiah 49. Verse 16 says that the Lord writes the Church on the palms of His hands. Indeed, Christ does bear a reminder of the Church on His palms, so that He will never forget or forsake us! Praise God, for I am certainly forgettable and forsakable. So, there's a thought.

What else? Oh, I had a fantastic migraine yesterday. Woke up with it, lasted through most of the day, and when it did go away, I was left with what I call the post-migraine syndrome -- I was in an absolute fog, felt like I needed to sleep, like something bad happened in my brain. Yuck.

Well, enough of this. I have to go to work. I'll be picking up some extra hours here and there... so I'll be good and tired, but we'll eat too, which is an added plus.

God's thick cloud.

There were beautiful clouds in the sky Saturday. Big, thick, billowy clouds.

Yesterday morning during family worship, we paused in our reading to discuss this verse:

"I have blotted out, as a thick cloud, thy transgressions, and, as a cloud, thy sins: return unto me; for I have redeemed thee" (Isaiah 44:22).

We we're talking about how God covers our sins with Christ's righteousness. One of the kids asked how it is that God sees everything, but does not see our sins, as if a cloud covered them. We then talked about God being all-seeing and all-knowing, and yet He chooses not to keep our sins in His view, before His eye, hold them against us, because He loves us. This is where Conner came up with a wonderful example. He says, "That's kinda like Noah's sons, who walked backwards and covered their dad with a blanket instead of looking at him naked." Yeah, it's kinda like that, isn't it?

Pipes are way better than Cigars

I was told by a formerly trusted friend that though smoking a pipe may smell better, smoking a cigar actually tastes better. This man is clearly a liar (and you know where liars go!). A while back I tried some Dutch Masters, a very cheap and nasty cigar, with which I was thoroughly unimpressed. After smoking them, I was left wondering what pleasure anyone ever gets with cigars. Well, figuring that Dutch Masters were not likely what most cigar buffs might call "good" (as Pilgrimish as the guys on the box do appear), I thought I'd give cigars another try. So, I went to my local pipe shop and asked for a relatively less-expensive, yet still good, cigar. He gave me a Helix for $3.50. Well, I finally got around to trying it last night. At first, it was nice...though the smell is far more offensive than a nice aromatic pipe tobacco, but I could see why some take pleasure in a cigar. Towards the middle of the cigar I started to... well... buzz. It started out as a feeling of relaxation, like I could just sit here on the porch all night long because nothing bothers me right now. But near the end of the cigar, I started feeling dizzy. After finishing the cigar, I was flat out seasick. I turned green, was nauseous, and sweating like a... something that sweats alot. I stumble upstairs and took a shower, and then crashed, naked and wet, on the bed. I kept thinking to myself, "Oh no! I'm Noah! I'm Noah!" After a few minutes of laying there praying for death or relief, I somehow made it down the stairs without falling and we had family worship... very slowly, no fast movements, stop turning those pages so loudly! It took about 2 hours to recover. Ok, so much for cigars. I suppose I could do what the tobacconist said, which is to go back and tell him if I need a more mild cigar, but for now, I'll stick to my pipe and Brazilian Cavendish, thank you.

In other news: Been working on my sidebar. You dig?

My Perfect Life

If any of you have a drunkard (oops, I'm sorry... an alcoholic) in your family, you may have experienced the "I'm gonna call you on the phone one thousand times in a row and give you a piece of my mind" syndrome. I had the pleasure of being on the receiving end of one of these episodes today just before I left for work. This time, the "one thousand phone calls" episode was combined with the all too common "I'm not messed up, YOU'RE messed up/It's all your fault" technique. Now, to be honest, I could not tell if this family member was drunk at the time of the one thousand phone calls, but at this point I just assume it's the case, even if it is only 8 am. This most recent episode involved this certain family member checking to see if I changed my mind about not approving of the heinous and gross sins that this family member has chosen to live in. When I reiterated that I have not changed my mind about that, the costumary insults and hurtful remarks came at me (note: not all customs are good). One remark that was made was "I'm glad your life is so perfect." I wanted so much to reply, "and thank you for doing your best to add to my perfect life," but I refrained. Perfect life, huh? Don't get me started. It's far from perfect. I have my own sin, regret, pain, emptiness, failures, and all that jazz to deal with. Don't tell me about my perfect life, especially while you're so active in attempting to destroy it. I initially wrote more, but decided to delete it and end the post right here. You shouldn't let people know everything you're thinking.

Matchbox Blues

Been feeling the blues again lately.

I'm sittin' here wonderin' will a matchbox hold my clothes?
I'm sittin' here wonderin' will a matchbox hold my clothes?
I ain't got so many matches, but I got so far to go.

-— Blind Lemon Jefferson, "Matchbox Blues" (1927)

Now, why would anyone wonder about stuffing all his clothes into a matchbox? There are a few reasons. The first would be that you're dirt poor, without much clothing, without a decent bag to pack clothes into even if you had alot of clothes. The second would be that you got to keep moving, and so you'll have to travel light.

Physically, I'm not going anywhere anytime soon. My hometown is truly my hometown. I was born, raised, and remain in my hometown. Sure, I think about moving sometimes, but that's just dreaming right now.

Spiritually, however, I'm sitting here wondering if a matchbox will hold my clothes... cuz I got so far to go. I guess it's the Puritan curse, but it seems that the more acquainted I become with the Scriptures, and the God thereof, the more I realize how sinful I am, and how far indeed I do have to go. I flinch and cringe when I hear people brag of their spirituality, as if they've arrived already, as if they got nowhere left to go. Yet they seem content where they are at. Not me. I feel pressed to move on, knowing that if I stop here I will fall far short of the goal. So, on this journey I must travel light, laying aside those things that hinder me from moving on when it's time.

"Brethren, I count not myself to have apprehended: but this one thing I do, forgetting those things which are behind, and reaching forth unto those things which are before, I press toward the mark for the prize of the high calling of God in Christ Jesus" (Phil. 3:13,14). "Wherefore seeing we also are compassed about with so great a cloud of witnesses, let us lay aside every weight, and the sin which doth so easily beset us, and let us run with patience the race that is set before us, looking unto Jesus the author and finisher of our faith; who for the joy that was set before him endured the cross, despising the shame, and is set down at the right hand of the throne of God" (Heb. 12:1,2).

"I got to keep movin', I got to keep movin'... there's a hellhound on my trail" (Robert Johnson).

Hot New Game

And now it's time to play....

Art or Crap?

I scored a 12. Let me know how you do.

Daniel is 3 years old today!

Daniel was a very cute and very nice baby. As we say in our house, he was "good for kissing."


For a while there, we thought we'd have ourselves a bonafide redhead! But...


Turns out we have a real blondie. Daniel's a pip, and he can be very naughty at times. But he's also a real joy, and has been a special buddy to me over the past 3 years. Happy Birthday, Daniel!

Million Mom March (more like 2000 mom march)

Did you hear the big news about this years Million Mom March? No? That's because it was a bust, with only about 2000 protesters showing up.

In a bit of irony, a woman marching against "assault weapons" assaulted a reporter who disagreed with her definition of "assault weapon," revealing not only that she really does have a problem understanding what "assault" means, but also that she is apparently against freedom of the press and the right to own property! To be fair, it's clear from the article that the assaultive anti-assault woman is not representative of everyone that was there.

Going Global

International support for my blog seems to be at an all-time high right now. Hey, if they like my blog now, wait'll they get high speed internet access in their area!

(I need to get me a hat like that).

Most Exciting Website I've Ever Seen (?)

If you're like me, you love lobsters, diving equipment, and knives... and you will love this exciting homepage I found a few months ago while doing some random surfing. I've been keeping it to myself for awhile, but I can do so no longer. I want my cyberfriends to share in this e-bounty. Enjoy!

When the Levee Breaks

"If it keeps on rainin', levee's goin' to break
If it keeps on rainin', levee's goin' to break
When the levee breaks I'll have no place to stay."

Here's how the water flooded from our neighbor's yard into ours. Our kids were playing in the yard, and their basketball went flying over the fence, landing on the tarp which was covering the neighbor's giant inflatable swimming pool. Displaying a lack of judgment which was even bigger than the giant inflatable swimming pool, the kids run around the front of the house, open the neighbor's gate, walk into the yard, and choose the two heaviest kids to climb up onto the pool to get the ball. My overtly pregnant wife hears screaming and the sounds of many waters, and, as she is wont to do in times like these, she leaps into action. What does she find? Two children on top of the tarp covered pool collapsing the walls, and nearly all of the water contained therein no longer contained therein! By the time the Red Cross showed up with sandbags, the situation was under control. Everybody got wet, but the kids are still alive... which isn't always the case when you mix kids and swimming pool accidents. My wife, on the other hand, was in quite a bit of pain the remainder of the day. I know kids break stuff, cuz that's what kids tend to do, but I can't stand coming home finding out that they broke their mother.

Just nutzin' around the house. 

Don't Cry for Smarty Jones!

Or, "Smarty, you broke my hearty."

I realize that there are not likely many readers of my blog from the Horse Racing Community, but humor me, ok? The purest and oldest of all sports is racing. And one of the coolest examples of racing to watch is horse racing. The powerful, majestic, and lovable horse, in the simplest of games -- let's see who can make it to that line first! Smarty Jones was a great story. Last year this Chestnut from Philadelphia Park nearly died after bashing his head on a gate, and this year he wins the Kentucky Derby, the Preakness, and raced this past weekend in the Belmont for the third leg of the elusive "Triple Crown," a rare chance to win these three prestigious races within a five week stretch -- hadn't been done in 26 years. I'll admit it... I watched it. And my cheers of "Go Smarty! Go Smarty!" became "No Smarty! No Smarty!"

I'll explain a bit of what happened. Smarty was riding with a bullseye eye on his rear, because everyone figured he would win outright, perhaps by 20 lengths or more, as some estimated... not an outrageous prediction after winning the Preakness by a colossal 11 1/2 lengths. From the gate, two horses pressed Smarty right away, getting him to run faster than he should have. The riders of these two horses basically gave up the race, wearing out their horses in order to tire Smarty out early (both of these horses finished "off the board"). Smarty never calmed down, and pressed to remain ahead of the pack until the final stretch, when a longshot named Birdstone came flying up from the outside, edging out Smarty at the last moment, beating Smarty Jones by a length, and ending Smarty's shot at winning the Triple Crown. The crowd was shocked, I was shocked, the entire city of Philadelphia was shocked, kids were crying, ladies fainting, people offering their condolences like someone just died.

People, I was rooting for Smarty too, but let's not cry about this. Remember two things:

1. Don't forget SMARTY WON THE KENTUCKY DERBY, AND THE PREAKNESS, and came in second in the Belmont! Way to go, Smarty! It's rare for a horse to have that kind of success. He did a good job, and he did Philly proud. It was a good run, and alot of fun.

2. If your affections are so tied to a horse race, or to sports in general (and I speak this as a guy who used to be a sports addict... when the Steelers lost, I'd have a bad week), that you experience heartache or sorrow over a loss, then you need to check yourself. Let your affections be towards God, and Heavenly things, and then we can enjoy things of this earth properly.

Oh, and Birdstone... if you're reading this...

Good race. Congratulations on your Belmont victory!

(snif)

Ronald Reagan (1911-2004)

"My fellow Americans, I'm pleased to tell you today that I've signed legislation that will outlaw Russia forever. We begin bombing in five minutes." -- Aug. 11, 1984.

Being funny and serious at the same time isn't easy to do. Ronald Reagan had a sense of humor even in the most stressful and dire situations -- I'm not talking about being a fool, I'm talking about maintaining composure and a positive attitude even after you just got shot by a would-be assassin, or when staring down the Russian Bear. I appreciate stuff like that.

Re-introduction

Normally I blog more times in one day than most do all week long, but it's been a little while now. I feel the need to re-introduce myself. Hi, my name is Jerry, and I'm a raging Calvinist.

I had the opportunity to work some extra hours the past few days, and, because I owe so much in our family's recent medical bills, I took advantage of earning a little extra cash. So, I've been both busy and tired.

Random things of interest:

1. For those of you who enjoy goofy music, like I do, there's Dana's Downloadable Album of the Month, and this month it's an old instrumental album of Beatles music -- complete with Hammond organ! Tasty stuff.

2. A few new pics of the family are up.

3. Sadly, my wife's grandmother (Dorothy) is on her deathbed. Her kidneys (one of which had been dead for a while) have now both stopped working. She is unable to hold down food, and is not able to receive food via IV either. My wife and the three oldest kids are visiting her as I type this. I'm home with the two youngest (one of which is still napping, Elisabeth is now up and having some pizza). Please remember Dorothy. The doctors are saying her death will likely occur within the next two weeks, maybe sooner. Pray for a good, productive, spiritual use of the deathbed, that God's saving grace and forgiving mercy may be found there.

That's all for now, friends.

My new doctor

"As far off as it may sound, up to four cigars a day can help anyone:

Maintain optimum weight and Body Mass Index
Stay as mentally sharp and alert as possible
Avoid (and combat) addictions to truly harmful substances
Lessen the effects of Alzheimer's, Parkinson's - even schizophrenia"

Finally, a doctor that recommends red meat, coffee, eggs, butter, tobacco and exposure to the sun! When can I get scheduled for a check up?